We no speak What ?
by Last.one.02
Summary: Tony ordered a broken DVD player and he calls to find out, how he could get a new one or get this one repaired. To his surprise the person on the other side is not speaking English.


All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

***NCIS***

Tony was late. It was Wednesday night and he was late. He had to make a phone call to Russia, according to the area code. He had bought a DVD player, but it was not working anymore and he just got a number to call in case something happens. Tony thought that this one was good, because he had ordered it from Germany, there was written '' Made in EU '', so he thought it was quality DVD player, not like that usual Chinese rubbish. But the DVD player was not working. Tony searched the box and the papers and found a phone number. He was slightly surprised, when the phone number was with Russian area code, because he knows well enough that Russian is not part of EU and probably won't be. But the real reason for him staying at work to call so late is the time difference. Getting answer, while there is night is out of question, so he had to stay late and wait for a morning to come to Moscow.

Tony took out the number he found and dialed it on his work phone, when he though he had waited enough. He had to wait. It took ages before a woman picked up at the other side.

'' Здравствуйте, '' the woman said. ( Hello in Russian)

'' Hello ? '' Tony asked.

'' Чем вы нужен ? '' she asked. ( What do you need ? )

'' What ? You speak English ? '' Tony asked.

'' Что ? Я не говорю по-английском, '' the lady said. ( What ? I don't speak English. )

'' Great, '' Tony said under his breath.

'' Что ? '' the female asked. ( What ? )

'' DVD player ? '' Tony asked.

'' Да, пожалуйста, подождите, '' the woamn said and put Tony on hold. ( Yes. Please wait. )

Tony grumbled and held the phone at his ear. He was in a conversation with someone in Russia. He doesn't speak Russian, but he knows it well enough to recognize it. Well, it could also be something in Eastern Europe, like Polish or something, but Tony had a feeling that it is Russian. Somehow he was certain, but with those languages you could newer know for sure. Ziva would know of course. She is the master of languages. Learning languages is something that Tony was never good at.

It was an hour later, when someone started talking to him on the phone.

''Здравствуйте. Как я могу помочь ? '' another woman asked, though she had different accent. ( Hello. How can I help you ? )

'' You speak English ? '' Tony asked.

'' English no, Russian yes, '' the woman said in bad English.

'' Great. How am I supposed to explain my problem to a Russian lady without speaking Russian ? '' Tony asked himself.

'' Пожалуйста, подождите.Я направить вас , '' the woman said and he was waiting again.

'' I am never visiting Russia. And this is the last time, when I am ordering something online and made in EU. Good quality really. I get to talk with random Russian ladies. It's not like Russia is part of EU. Why they can't study English ? Everything would be easier. I would have had my answer, but instead I am stuck here in the middle of the night on hold. Damn Eastern Europe. Beside they have such time, that it is impossible to reach them at normal time. I have to call in the middle of the night to get some answers about my DVD player. They ruined my movie night. Doing some math, I'd say that I have about 20 minutes time, I'd better look for a dictionary, '' Tony said and started typing on his computer. He put the phone on speaker as he found the dictionary and felt his eyes getting heavy. No wonder, it was past 2 am already.

About an hour later another woman picked up.

'' Hallo, '' she said, but she didn't sound like English, but it was definitely not Russian.

'' Hello, '' Tony answered, ready to take notes in Russian.

'' Kuidas saan teid aidata ? '' the woman asked. ( How could I help you ? )

'' Excuse me. You speak English ? '' Tony asked. He was suddenly surprised since it was not Russian or any language that he could think of. Why there had to be so many languages and countries in Europe ? But maybe it's not Europe, maybe it is Asia, something near China, just a country named EU ? Could it be ?

Tony was pulled from his thoughts, when the woman spoke.

'' I not English. Me Russian, German sprachen, '' the woman said in very bad mixed language.

No way that was German. He should know it that much. It was not it, it was something else. But at least it meant he was still talking someone around Europe. At least he hoped so.

'' Can anyone speak English in that freaking place ? '' Tony shouted. Surprised that he actually did it, he fell lower on the chair, just like trying to hide. Except he was alone in the bullpen.

'' Ma kohe kutsun kedagi, palun oodake korra, '' the woman said. ( I'm gonna get someone. Pleas wait for a second. )

Tony heard the woman shouting something, but not to him. She was in distance. He closed his computer dictionaries and waited. He was hoping to wait a little less, because he was not on hold. Yet. Hopefully he won't be again.

'' Sorry, we no speak English. Gonna connect, '' a man said to the phone and he was on hold again. Tony grunted and threw his pen to Ziva's desk.

Sleep was palpable in his eyes. It was very late and he was waiting for someone to pick up the phone. He was waiting. The wait was long. He closed his eyes... just for a second.

'' Jah, '' came a voice from his phone after awhile. ( Yeah )

'' Hello. You speak English ? '' Tony asked.

'' Mida ? Ma ei saa teist aru. Palun rääkige valjemini, '' an elder woman said. ( What ? I don't understand. Please speak up. )

'' ENGLISH ! '' Tony shouted.

'' Noor mees. Palun natuke respekti. Rahunege maha ja alustage uuesti rääkimist selges eesti keeles, '' the elder woman said like annoyed granny. ( Young man ! A little respect. Calm down and start talking in clear Estonian ) .

'' The lady is nuts, '' Tony grumbled.

'' Oodake, ma panen teid ootele, äkki rahunete siis maha. On ikka jultumus tulla vana inimese peale nii kisama. Kus on tänapäeva noorus ? Ainult räägivad enda Ameerika keelt ja käivad riides nagu... '' the old woman trailed off as Tony was on hold again ( Hold on, I'm gonna put you on hold, maybe you'll calm down then. It is such an impudence to yell at old lady like that. Where is today's youth ? Only talking their American language and dress like... )

Even though Tony didn't understand a word, he was sure that it was bad. The lady was not praising him. All he wanted is to get someone talk in English, even if it is bad English. And he also has no idea of what language it is after all. He could only tell, that he has no idea, what language it is.

He made himself comfortable – he put his legs on the table closed his eyes. He knew, he shouldn't do that probably, but it felt so good. He snapped his eyes open and the he closed them again in awhile.

'' Hello. ''

A voice on his phone woke him up. He opened the eyes and looked at the time. 6 am. He had been asleep for 2 hours.

'' Hello, '' the woman on the phone said again.

'' Hello. You speak English ? '' Tony asked.

'' Yes. What is your problem ? '' the woman asked. Her voice was soft, a little tired, annoyed and she was speaking in very weird accent, which was perfectly understandable.

'' Thank god. I have been on hold forever. You know that people in the Russia don't speak English at all. It should be changed, '' Tony said. He was awake now that he managed to hear English.

'' I am not from Russia. Actually you'd insult me saying I am a Russian. The language is problem there, but I assume it's not why you have been waiting, '' the woman said.

Somehow Tony felt that she would like that woman a lot if she was there around him.

'' I am calling about the DVD player I ordered. It's not working and I found one number to call, when something happens and here I am, '' Tony explained.

'' Where exactly did you order it ? '' The woman asked.

'' A German web page. Online store. It seemed cheap, good and also there was written made in EU, '' Tony said simply.

'' Can you give me the exact page ? '' the woman asked.

Tony thought for awhile about the actual page. Then it came to his mind and he gave the address to the girl on the other side. She was talking aloud as she typed and searched. She also seemed pretty young.

'' I'm very sorry sir, but there seems to be a problem with this thing. The web page has been selling cheap DVD players, but they are not real. None of it has been working and they gave you a random number to call. There is no such thing as company Hea&Odav, as written on the page, '' the woman said slowly.

Tony thought for a second. Maybe it was his brain that was not functioning or the weird accent the woman was speaking or the sweet sound of her voice, but he was not understanding a word she just said.

'' What ? '' he asked after a short pause.

'' You've been pranked, literally, '' the woman said easily.

Tony could feel the anger rushing through his veins. He bought a perfect not working DVD player. It's that just fantastic ?

'' Seems like the bad guys were hoping that after calling people wouldn't have time to wait for someone to pick up. And even if they did, then there would be the time difference and language problem, so they would get away. The creator of the page is Estonian comes out. I will notify the police and they are going to start an investigation. Once again, I'm very sorry sir, '' the woman continued.

'' Estonia ? Something exotic ? '' Tony asked after catching a word that gave him a hint about the country he was calling.

'' Actually not, but for you it might be, '' she was a little flirty.

'' Can I have your name and number in case I'll be in Europe ? '' Tony asked.

'' Maybe, if you ask nicely, '' the girl said after a short pause.

'' I am asking nicely, '' Tony said.

He heard a soft laughter on the other side of the phone. He looked up and noticed Ziva standing there and laughing.

'' Ziva, what are you doing here so early ? '' Tony asked.

'' Early, it's almost 7 am. What are you doing here so early beside flirting with someone on the phone ? '' Ziva asked.

'' I was not flirting all the time, '' Tony said.

Tony had still his phone on speaker, when Gibbs walked up just a moment after he turned his attention back to the phone.

'' And it ends now. We have a dead marine, '' Gibbs said and ended Tony's call.

'' Oh come on boss, I was this close getting a hot girl's number in Europe. She was exotic beauty near The Black Sea. I could hear her being hot and perfect. She was the perfect girl and I might never speak to her again, '' Tony whined.

'' Where was she from again ? '' Ziva asked.

'' Esonia, '' Tony said.

Ziva and Gibbs burst out laughing.

'' What ? '' Tony asked with big eyes and confusion. He was sure he got everything right. Maybe that Esonia was like China...

'' The name is Estonia, '' Gibbs said after he got his ability to speak back again.

'' And it is nowhere near the Black sea, it's in north, '' Ziva added.

'' So polar bears live there ? '' Tony asked.

'' Yes, there is -80 C every day and people live in igloos, '' Ziva was sarcastic.

'' And they eat the polar bears, '' Gibbs added.

She and Gibbs went back into laughter as Tony frowned on his desk. He was so wrong about some things, beside he wasn't sure about anything anymore. He sure wasn't speaking the same language as the women on the phone, all of them, but at this moment he was not sure, that he spoke the same language as Ziva and Gibbs.

***NCIS***

**You all get that I was joking at the end about Estonia ? Well if you didn't then I was just mocking peoples knowledge about Estonia. And as you might get, then the translation is in brackets. And please let me know, what you think about it. **

**Liina**


End file.
